Survivor
by finderofthings
Summary: That's what they labelled him, even though no one had died and he had never told. It lingered in the back of his mind where it would stay forever more. Warning this contains sensitive material, be wary. Minor USUK.


This story contains child sexual abuse and should not be read if you find yourself reacting badly to sensitive material.

Disclaimer: I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia.

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><p>"<em>You suwe that big brother said it was awight?" America asked the man curious of the new game he had mentioned, "I no wanna get him mad." <em>

_The man laughed, tugging him further off the path and into the woods, "I assure you that it is perfectly fine." _

_America smiled brightly, his attention going to the pretty flowers that he wanted to bring home to his brother and the bunnies just like the one that he had back home. He patted the pocket of his outfit surprised when he found his bunny inside. England must have put it there for him! There was even a handkerchief with scones inside, America loved his big brother's scones even if they where burned. They where specially made for him, it meant big brother loved him. He paused looking back up at the man when he stopped. _

"_Ready for our game?" He asked kneeling down to look America in the eyes, they where brown, "To play you have to take your clothes off."_

"_Big bwother said I not s'ppose to do that." America bulked, "Big bwother be vewy mad at me." _

_The man smiled, running a hand over his hair, it was nice and warm, America leaned into it like he did when England mussed his hair. Other grownups didn't like it when he asked questions, they yelled sometimes, but he was nice letting him ask questions and wanting to play games with him. England was too busy to play games. _

"_It's okay because it's for the our special game, just you and me." America hesitated, "I'll take mine off too okay?" _

"_Awight!"_

~Line break~

America's eyes snap open before the dream can go any further, moving as quickly from the bed to the bathroom as he can without disturbing England, bile burning as it rose from his stomach. It wasn't uncommon for him to have vivid flashbacks of that moment and her rarely woke unscathed. Pausing at the sink he scrubbed his mouth with first soap and then toothpaste, to remove both the taste of vomit from his mouth and the half remembered taste of the man that had manipulated him into doing those things. He shuddered feeling too vulnerable to be the World Super Power, in all caps. They even had a Wikipedia page that explained everything and hadn't the list made him wish he hadn't been so stupid. But he had and it was his fault, he had done something wrong to make it happen, it had to be his fault just like everyone said, everything was his fault, wasn't it?

"Are you alright love?" England muttered sitting up to look at him, "You ran off to the loo."

He plastered on a smile, "I'm fine, too much coffee before bed. Nothing to worry about."

A lie, how many times had he told England or Canada that one?

"Come on then, don't want to be late for the meeting."

"But I wanna go to McDonald's." America whined pushing the self disgust as far back as he could until he could almost forget it, "Can't we stop on the way?"

England rolled his eyes, obviously exasperated before smiling, "I suppose if you would be so kind to put on the kettle I would be convinced to stop by the fast food place on the way to the meeting, as long as you don't get something that will get all over your suit like those pancakes."

"Deal!" America stated rushing down the stairs to comply, maybe it would get better when he finally got old enough to forget little details, like China did sometimes.

He had no idea what Germany was saying, the last thing he was certain they had been discussing was about uranium consumption and availability, as the various staff threw open the windows to allow a breeze to flutter in, the air condition was broken and the repair men wouldn't be in until later. But his eyes stayed on the roses on the other side of the window, their scent drifting in on the soft gusts of wind, until he could smell them. Obviously God hated him.

_~Linebreak~_

_America tilted his head, blue eyes wide as he stared at the way the man's thingy stood up straight instead of flopping around like his. The man smiled again, lifting him up into his lap as he leaned back against a tree. _

"_You can touch it." He offered calmly, making sure that America was resting more on his stomach to avoid panic. _

_His hands trembled as he reached out, jolting back when he felt it twitch against his grasp before making another attempt. America bit his lip and looked away focusing on the flower bush like the one that England grew at the house, with giant pink and red flowers and pricklies up and down the stems. Ignoring the way he wanted to runaway because it was okay, he couldn't get hurt, England had promised. England never broke a promise so that meant that it was safe, he turned back watching it as the man encouraged him to move his hands up and down, before catching sight of his bunny and turning away. America didn't want to bunny like this. _

"_You know if you suck it milk comes out." _

_America shook his head, "No it not." Nerves slurred his words, "You lieded." _

"_Don't you know adults never lie." _

_England lied, he wanted to say, England lied about lots of things and maybe that was the difference between Adults and England. Because England wasn't just an adult he was really England like he was America, England didn't like that name but he didn't like to call him the Thirteen Colonies. _

"_Okay."_

_~Line break~_

"America," Canada asked shaking his shoulder nervously, "Are you alright brother? Germany called the meeting to an end and you said we would do something together, unless you forgot?"

"Nah, I remember Matt. So what should we do?" He smiled brightly watching his twin as he thought over his choices.

"You hate the zoo right?"

"Not hate, I just don't wanna go until they get the polar bears healthy again, that's always your favorite."

Canada was such a good brother, always hugging him when he asked and making trips to visit him when he asked. He didn't care that America was stupid or fat or worthless, didn't feel like a visit was too much of a hassle, not like England who complained the moment he arrived that he didn't want anything to do with America and his idiotic culture. Canada was nice and he asked if America wanted to do things and never complained unless it was baseball, but he had broken Canada's nose last time, just like the idiot that the other nations told him that he was. Because he was stupid, it was his fault that the World economy was collapsing around their ears, was his fault that he couldn't hold his nation together while the others did it with such ease that it just mad the fear that they where secretly plotting his down fall even worse then he could imagine. Maybe if he died someone would finally notice how much his brother did, maybe Canada would stop having to hidden in his shadow because he selfishly wanted all attention on him.

"Are you alright?" Canada panicked, "You're cry Alfred, what's wrong?"

America smiled quickly, "Nothing, I'm just thinking too much. So where are we going? We promised England and France that we'd meet up for dinner at 9:00, so we got about four hours."

His brother looked unsure for a moment before confessing that he needed to go to the mall to pick up somethings he had ordered offline to give them all, America instantly felt guilty, why couldn't he be more like Canada. England had wanted him to be more like Canada when they where little, maybe if he had then he wouldn't have been so stupid.

"America?" He turned curious, "You'd tell me if I did something to upset you right?"

"Canada you have done nothing wrong,"America snagged the boxes that he was not allowed to peek in, "I am rather vocal with my protest aren't I?"

Seriously Canada had to be a Saint, was everything that the other nations wanted him to be, why couldn't America be the one that people liked? Why couldn't they remember the perfect one of the North America Twins, why could they only remember him and his fuck ups. Not one of them wanted him near them, not one of them wanted to talk to him and it was all his fault because he was worthless but Canada wasn't so couldn't they love him like they where suppose to.

His brother shook his head, "I'm serious Al something is wrong with you and I won't rest until I find out what it is."

He prayed that Canada never did, he didn't think he could live with himself if someone else knew of what happened in his past, it was bad enough that it haunted him.

_~Line break~_

_America coughed, taking one hand off to cover his face, "It's yucky." _

"_You'll like it, just keep going." The man promised playing with his chest and one hand slipping into his hair again, "It gets better I promise." _

_He glared briefly at the thingy before hesitantly pressing his tongue against the tip, repeating the previous lick, he wanted to go home. He wanted England to hold him tight and promise that nothing bad would happen because it felt weird and America didn't like it but the man said it was alright and England told him to trust the grownups and treat them with respect. His eyes caught sight of his bunny again, resting next to the scones from his big brother and he blinked tears back because he wanted his big brother, he didn't want to be in the middle of some forest with the man who offered to play games with him. _

"_No." He slammed his head back, catching the man's chin and knocking him into the tree, "No." _

_America cried as he pulled his clothes back on careful to grab his bunny and the scones before running as fast as he could, never bothering to look back. It had felt weird and if he had been any other child he wouldn't have been able to escape, his eyes darted around for the secret trail he had made to the house. He paused on the edge of the forest, rubbing his eyes and smearing dirt on his hands and face, he didn't want to answer questions, he didn't want to tell anyone ever because it wasn't good and he started crying again. _

"_America?" England paused several feet away, "Are you alright America? What happened?" _

_He didn't answer, burying his face in his brother's stomach and hoping England would let him take a bath soon because he felt dirty and nasty. He wasn't going to play outside for a while._

~Line break~

America imagined a blade dancing over his skin, dragging over with enough pressure for blood to bubble up and trickle down to the ground, imagined the noose round his neck pulling tight enough to stop the flow of air and break his neck. Canada had forced him to promise when they where young never to leave him and for that reason, a promise that his twin probably wouldn't remember, he didn't attempt the suicides that played out in his thoughts. Even if he would come back to life and would see the relief play across his brother's face, like the time he had taken a bullet in WWII, he had sworn and that meant more then anything.

"Are you sure you are fine?" France asked as they waited for the bill, England and his brother talking over the presents that had been hidden in the boxes, "Nothing wrong?"

"What makes you think that?" He replied keeping his eyes off the bunny, his bunny, that Matthew had gotten fully restored, "I'm perfectly fine and I'm getting tired of that question."

France shrugged, "Mon petite mentioned that he was worried about you the other day, I do not wish to cause Canada anymore worry then he already has. He cares for you greatly."

"I know."

I don't deserve it danced at the tip of his tongue but the Hero never doubt himself like that, never made statements like that so he kept it in and let it dance a counter point to the guilt he felt for making his brother worry.

"Alright then." France stated leaning back in his chair, "Please remember that I'm your friend."

He flashed a quick smile before turning back to the others and kissing England as he ran off to meet with him boss over something that the Prime Minister swore couldn't wait before bidding the other two goodnight and returning to his house. The dark windows beckoned because he deserved to be alone because the anxiety that one day his secret would be pulled to light was enough to kill him, so he pushed the other nations away.

The shower was scalding when he finally climbed in, scrubbing his skin until it was raw and settling beneath the spray, he wouldn't be sleeping tonight, the insomnia always came after the nightmares returned. America dragged himself out the shower, towel around his waist, pausing as he entered his room and spotted the bunny on his bed, looking the same as it had that day and fell to his knees, if he could make himself hate Canada in that moment then he would have.

England stared at him, "Have you been playing video games all night?"

"No, I slept."

And just like that he kept his dirty secret no matter how many times he almost told because it was all his fault, he had asked for it, just like the doctors said he had. America had wanted it, the papers written about it read the same way, because the child seduced the adult, they knew exactly what they where doing. The adult was never to blame.

_Right?_

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><p>All the reactions to the abuse, even with the amount of time passing, are accurate though do not occur in all cases. The view stated by him at the end with children being the seducers in cases such as these is accurate and was once accepted in court cases, explained in the book by Anna C. Salter called <em>Predators<em>.


End file.
